I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
