I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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