I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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