I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
