Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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