u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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