The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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