You can't special order awesome
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
