Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
