I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
