i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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