the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
