i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
