i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Im part way to drunk.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
