I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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