He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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