It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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