Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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