Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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