I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
