Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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