I skipped work to stalk him.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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