Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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