you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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