he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
