Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
