Can i not drive my cunt home
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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