Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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