well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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