Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
