I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
