I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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