im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize