she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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