i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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