respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
