ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sext me about skeletons
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
