either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
