3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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