I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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