Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
