I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize