she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
