i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
