Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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