Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
