I just saw a hot homeless man
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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