no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i drank out of a bidet.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize