When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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