Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
