I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
