Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
