Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize