Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
