How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
