Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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