Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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