I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
