way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize