fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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