this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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