forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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