your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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