3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
